I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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