I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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