hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
