almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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