Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
