So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
