I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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