He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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