my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize