HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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