I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
