What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
