Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
