When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
