...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
