he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
