Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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