I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
