The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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