Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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