I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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