It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
