I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
