What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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