when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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