I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
