Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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