Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
