if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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