she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
