When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
