So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
