just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
