I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
