Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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