The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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