I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
