I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
