I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
