I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
