Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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