you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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