My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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