im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We need to get me chipped asap
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
