Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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