I met the friendliest cop last night
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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