I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
