he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
