i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
