I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
