I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
