we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
false alarm, still single
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
