I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
