just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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