got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
