so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
