his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
