i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
