You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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