When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
