I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize