I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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